My Human Cost

September 3rd

This is written in the early hours of the morning. The meds are well and truly out of my system by this point. Tears are streaming from my eyes over what was and now what won’t be. I’d met people to support me that cared. That were giving me my life back. Yeah, this site is important work, to document, to tell… It’s real. But then… so is my human cost.

I haven’t showered in over a week, I managed to throw myself in and get wet before my minor surgery but I haven’t washed my hair in a week and a half. I can’t even think about exercising to try and keep the strength I managed to build up. My pain is so much higher and I feel so much weaker.

In the rare chance that you’ve seen me, I look like garbage, but I’m still trying to go out, despite all this. But it’s hard.

You know, I never asked for my disability. I never did anything to “deserve” it, but it continues to be a punishment. I had just under a year of help. I really wish I had never had to deal with Moorview’s awful management, because now everything good that I achieved, the things I did have been ripped away, and they’re probably all sat in a comfortable office in York (or somewhere) after getting thousands of pounds, to pay the people that supported me way less than half of that. The people that actually deserve it, rather than I dunno, spending it on another yacht or something.

So I actually suppose, in the end, The Registered Manager was right in a way at the beginning. I didn’t want to “speak with” her, because she and the other management cost me everything I built so far… and I guess she knew before we even met that she’d be, in part, responsible and I guess she knew before I worked it out.

Just look at what my mind is capable of. I built this site from the ground up in a week, I figured out all the things Moorview doesn’t want you to know, but my body still lets me down, I have no support and now I have no idea what my future’s going to be like. So if you’re wondering what Moorview can do to you? For this moment, at this time, they can break you down. Make you question what the point of any of it was.

💔

September 9th

Another late night post… As you may know, I did lose a lot of weight over the past year, going from 122kg to ~80kg. I’ve been trying to stabilise between 77kg and 81kg. I was hovering around 78kg before I lost care. Now I’m 75.9kg. So much for stabilising and remaining in the weight zone I wanted to. I didn’t want to end up with my weight headed toward the teenage ‘too low’ times again, but now it’s heading that way again. Just another thing I’ve lost, because of these people.

I bet they think someone’s pulling my strings, because they still don’t respect my intelligence, but then again, the management never really did respect me at all. Now it just feels like my life was nothing but a pile of money to them.

It all makes me sad. Losing all the good things I did, and now I’m back to again fighting for my right to live. You stripped that away from me, just because you couldn’t look at yourself and admit you did things so wrong, you make out that it’s me who’s done wrong, and make me feel guilty for it. Well no. I did nothing wrong, other than the things that I should be entitled to (like talking to CQC). You obviously are doing something very wrong if this very act threatened you so much. At least if you stood by your decisions and actions, I might not agree with them, but I’d at least have some respect for you. But you don’t stand behind what you do, you go quiet, silent and try and sweep me under the carpet by getting rid of me… Well I’m not going anywhere. This was your decision. Although, you are entitled to make bad decisions. Destroying the life I’d managed to build, well… all I can hope is you come to seriously regret this very bad decision.